No Privacy from the Aliens

“Oh hi – wait. Have I seen you before?”

“Yes.”

“Remind me about that time some other time. Anyway, you know there’s been an invasion from outer space.”

“How absolutely interesting.”

“Don’t be sarcastic.”

“Try telling a mountain to tap dance.”

“What do tap dancing mountains have to do with anything?”

“Nothing if you haven’t figured it out. You were saying something about invasions from space.”

“Oh! I get it now. Telling you not to be sarcastic is like telling a mountain to tap dance, right?”

“Genius, genius. Now that you’ve demonstrated your superior intelligence, what were you saying about the invaders from space?”

“Yeah, I saw them. They came real quietly, and set up base near the southern end of the field over there.”

“Since when do you know north from south?”

“And this isn’t the whole party. They’ve probably got a ship somewhere over the atmosphere.”

“Wait. This is suspicious. I’ve never heard you using the word ‘atmosphere’ except – well, except no exceptions. And just now you told me to not be sarcastic. What’s got into you?”

“Well, nothing really. Not much anyway. Definitely very little.”

“There’s something wrong with you. It’s like you’re more intelligent than you ever were all of a sudden, and I didn’t mean that as a compliment.”

“No compliments taken.”

“Seriously, what’s wrong, huh?”

“It’s the aliens. THEY’RE THE ONES! THEY DID THINGS TO MY BRAIN! I AM NOW HYPER-INTELLIGENT!”

“Oi! There’s a bug behind you.”

“WAAHHHH! Where? WHERE?”

“Same old you.”

“All right, I joked!”

“Don’t think that’s the end of it. What you just performed was humour too sophisticated for someone with a brain like yours. Who taught you this?”

“My mate.”

“I’ll have a word with her about your sense of humour. I only hope she’s not like you, or you’ll be the couple with the world’s worst sense of humour.”

“How’s your mate, by the way?”

“She’s doing fine, for your information.”

“Feeling sorry for her. Having a woman like you as a mate must put some terrific strain on her nerves.”

“Stop talking about my woman, OK?”

“Don’t take digs at my gal either!”

“I just said that you have the worst sense of humour on the planet. I didn’t say anything about her.”

“Anyway, you want to know more about those aliens?”

“If your puny brain can hold as much information as I want.”

“That’s it! What kind of mothers did you have?”

“My mothers were a couple with more intelligence than you’ve ever seen in your lifetime.”

“STOP THAT! I already told you what I feel about insults to my intelligence.”

“OK, OK. Sorry, alright? Now tell me about those invaders.”

“Well, they’ve camped out where I told you. And, I’ve seen them. Kinda weird looking, and they walk on four legs.”

“I see. How many limbs do they have?”

“Four legs and two arms. What’s more, their four legs are like wheels. They rotate around an axle.”

“WHAT? But wheels are a biological impossibility!”

“Try telling a mountain to tap dance.”

“Don’t borrow my phrases. Anyway, I’m to go see them. Are they dangerous, by the way? Are they carrying any weapons?”

“I don’t think so. And if you’re going I want to come with you.”

“Suit yourself – COULD YOU PLEASE STOP DOING THAT?”

“What’s wrong with a little touching?”

“Those parts are sensitive.”

“Sounds like you had a rough day.”

“You’ll have one if you don’t get those things off me.”

“Relax, gal.”

“How do you like this?”

“OOWWWW!”

“That’s what you get for that. I told you those parts were sensitive. That’s what getting touched in those parts yourself feels like. Take that, perv girl!”

“All right, I’m so sorry. You’re right, gal, those parts are sensitive. Pity I’ll have to do this now!”

“OOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!”

# # #

As one of the ‘aliens’ got off his quad bike, he took a pair of binoculars and surveyed the far end of the field they had put up base in.

He whistled.

“Look at that, Rick!”

Astronauts Rick Douglas and Jamie Maxim were the third set of humans from earth to set foot on an alien planet. They were the first Recon team, and they had been sent down from the Mother craft to monitor and observe the native wildlife. This had been done for three reasons. Firstly, they would report whether the natives were hostile, and to cope with this rather hairy possibility they were armed to the teeth, with instructions not to fire until provoked badly. Second, they were also studying these same natives, at the request of exobiologists back on earth. And thirdly, they had come because no one else had volunteered.

Rick looked through his own binoculars at the direction where Jamie was pointing.

“Wow! This is something I never thought I’d see. Two aliens touching each other in inappropriate parts. WOW!”

# # #

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